2004-02-02 - 12:51 a.m.

Crawling out from what seems like my 100th internet hiatus in the past two years, I ask myself: "What significant changes have taken place in my life since the first one?"

The main answer would be that I got married. He is a lucky man, as I am a lucky woman. It wasn't the perfect wedding, but the marriage is everything a perfect wedding should be (if that makes any sense). He is considerate, loving, fun, and does everything in his power to drag me out of my shitty moods (which occur far too often for any average mortal to tolerate).

He is a Journey song. He is Steve Perry's voice, rockin' out with a sensitivity and passion that is so surreal, so unlikely, you almost expect it to run out of juice. But, it never does.

He is strength, squeezed into a deceptively thin box. He is the person that, at first glance, doesn't strike you as the type who could protect you from a light breeze, let alone a raging hurricane. But he can, and he does. He is everything that I could never even dream of being, and for that, he is my hero.

Before he came into my life, I survived. I took care of myself, I kept my head above water, all with great effort. Before I knew what his love felt like, I managed.

Managing, as you all know, is pretty fucking tiring, and after a while, it feels pointless. I was self-sufficient, but that's all I was. I wasn't happy, I wasn't enjoying the life that my parents gave me. I was bland, I was bored, and I was ready to call it a day and just fade away.

This man infused me with life, he lit a spark. That love so intense and unconditional that I couldn't help but love myself a little bit because of it. I was living for the very first time in my long history of survival, and all it took was for someone to love me like I was perfect; to treat me like they wanted me to live, not survive. I know that I am not perfect by mine or anyone else's standards, but to one person in this whole world-- I am. And that gives me a freedom that I never thought I could have: The freedom to be myself, and to know that no matter what, it's good enough.

I got married. I wore the fabulous dress, and had the people I loved most in the world present to see it happen. There was wine, great food, and a beautiful cake with mint filling. It was the best night of my life thus far, and it's not because it was "supposed" to be, it's because he and I made it happen. We made it happen with our love and commitment to one another, and our wish for our families to share in our happiness.

Neither him nor the marriage will fix everything that goes wrong with me. But, it's comforting to know that when something does go wrong, I have his support, and the memory of an amazing night.

The current mood of Jenikka at www.imood.com

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